No Timetable for Grief

"Ay, grief goes, fades; we know that - but ask the tear ducts if they have forgotten how to weep."
-- William Faulkner

Two years had passed since his wife had died. His grief, however, was fresh and was constantly renewed. After trying to make sense of things for all this time, he wrote me a long letter. "Why did she die?" he wanted to know. "Did someone do something wrong?"

I tried to remember the details of her care as I pulled her chart. She had been almost 80 when I met her. Over the course of several years, she had developed a series of gradually worsening cancers on her tongue; the last one would have required extensive surgery.

Unfortunately, she was not well, and was not interested in the potential side effects of a major procedure. She started a course of chemotherapy and radiation, but could not tolerate it. After being admitted to another hospital, she had decided against any further active treatment. We lost touch and she died a few weeks later.

With some trepidation, I picked up the phone and called him. After two years he still had many difficult questions. "Why had the treatment been stopped?" "What could have been done differently?"

I fielded his questions as best I could and then asked him to tell me his memories of her. I listened as he told me about his life before and after her death. How long were you married? "Fifty-four years," he replied. "We were great friends. I keep running across her things in the house."

"Are you okay now?" I asked.

"My children keep telling me that I need to get over it. It is very hard."

Yes it is.

The questions eventually slowed and he brightened a bit. I offered my phone number and asked him to call whenever he wanted. "Thank you. I might. I feel better." He never called again.

It taught me again that there is no limit on how long we are supposed to grieve or what form our grief will take. I hope our conversation helped to settle his.

Bruce H. Campbell, MD, FACS
Professor of Otolaryngology and Communication Sciences
Chief, Division of Head and Neck Oncology
Interim Director, Froedtert & The Medical College of Wisconsin Cancer Center

"Reflections" is a collection of essays by the health professionals of the Medical College of Wisconsin.