Sex and Adolescents: Helping Them Make Good Decisions

As a physician and a parent, it has been truly amazing to bear witness to the withdrawal of societal safeguards that in the past made pre-adolescence and adolescence a time of relative cultural safety. This was especially true with regard to messages associated with sex and intimacy, which are now pervasive. There is no way to prevent exposure to material with sexual themes to even the youngest children.

This presents significant challenges to those of us who care about the well-being and emotional development of children. I suggest that parents think of the world in which their teens live as a foreign country. There are key phrases that must be learned and activities you would think are safe that in fact are not; and to live successfully, you must exercise caution and wisdom.

This is nothing like the world in which we grew up. Attempts to relate to it based on our own experiences will be largely unsuccessful and reveal our thinking to be calcified and our solutions inapplicable.

There are some indications that could mean your son or daughter has more sexual experience than you think. Studies have long linked the use of tobacco, alcohol, and other drugs with sexual experiences and experimentation in adolescents. There is now emerging evidence that the same may be true for tattoos and body piercing. (This is not to say that everyone who engages in these activities is sexually active. There is some information that the percentage of 18-year-olds abstaining from sex is approaching 50%.)

As a parent and a physician, I recommend the following advice to encourage careful involvement with and education of the children in your life.

• Be pleasantly present - do not leave teens at home unsupervised.
• Listen to what your children and their friends are talking about without inserting unsolicited suggestions. If you do this, they will be more comfortable talking with you around.
• In the same light, take every opportunity to carpool and to have your children's friends over to your home.
• Ask your children what their hopes and dreams are and encourage them. Having a life's plan and the support to put it into effect is a great way to help your children defer from the kinds of activities that can scuttle their future.
• As their talents begin to develop, be their biggest supporter.
• Without accusation or threats, tell your children that you understand the risks of unhealthy and unwise sexual activity and the implications of sexually transmitted diseases. You're discussing this because you love them and don't want them to suffer needlessly.
• Familiarize yourself with what they are learning at school with regard to sex and let them know that you are aware.
• Carefully open the door for them to confide in you if they have sensitive topics to address and assure them that you will not get angry and will keep confidential the information shared.
• Be an example of the behaviors that you are asking of them.

Begin to incorporate these suggestions, as appropriate, as early as the age of ten. By then, they are likely already more aware than you might imagine.

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