For obvious reasons, the topic of death is even less popular during the holiday season. This is supposed to be a time of reunion and a celebration of life, yet for many families in Wisconsin and across the country, this time of year may accentuate the pain of the loss of a loved one and lend a bittersweet taste to the experience.
The first year after a loved one has died can be the most challenging, as annual events immediately conjure up feelings of grief and sorrow that may otherwise have been temporarily dormant. Knowing what to do in the midst of a family gathering can be paralyzing challenge. The awareness of the absence of someone whose life has ended can be like the 800-pound gorilla that everyone knows is in the room, but won’t acknowledge.
I had an enlightening conversation with Kate Phelps, RN, a nurse at St. Mary’s Hospice with expertise in bereavement who had several helpful suggestions for families with this as a part of the landscape of the previous year. She notes that often the dread individuals feel before a family event is unjustified and that the time together can act as a healing balm rather than painfully re-opening wounds.
This can be a time to re-examine holiday rituals. In some settings, this may be a good time to recognize the loss and afford friends and family a brief opportunity to engage in pleasant memories without being morose. Whoever takes the lead can set the tone in positive light. A lost loved one can be recalled as well through an ornament or other holiday decoration, its meaning quietly communicated to visitors. For married couples now separated by death, the time for children to step in and host family gatherings may be a logical transition. This might also be a time to plan a springtime tree planting or visit to the cemetery. Whatever is done needs to have a clear beginning and end, on a schedule that all are aware of, with the clear participation of those for whom the loss was most deeply felt.
Think back on all of your holiday memories. Do they blur together in a timeless collage of food, football and after-dinner somnolence? If so, consider the possibility of celebrating the life and accomplishments of those not present and send a message to all, especially the children, of the meaning of one’s existence and the value of a life well-lived.
